I’m looking for help
I’m trying to help a loved one
Starting a conversation about someone’s wellbeing can be hard, but you don’t need to be an expert to be a good friend or a good listener.
Here are some tips to help you connect meaningfully with someone you are concerned about.
Put yourself first
Before you can look out for others, you need to look out for yourself. It might not be the right time for you to start a conversation, or perhaps you might not be the right person. If this is this case, that’s okay, try to think of someone else who might be able to support them.
Right place, right time.
Make sure you talk to the person in a place where they feel safe and comfortable – this will lead to a more natural conversation.
Trying to have a conversation in setting where the person might feel anxious about being overheard, for example a crowded café, may make it harder to connect. Work out what will work for them, whether it’s a quiet room and a hot cup of tea or a walk along the beach.
Try to make sure that both of you have enough time to chat properly – these conversations work best when neither of you feels rushed.
Finding the words
You don’t have to find the perfect way to start this conversation, what is important is that your loved one understands you are talking because you care.
Start by asking open questions, using friendly language. Questions like “I’ve noticed you have seemed yourself lately, is everything okay?” or “What’s been happening for you recently?”.
If they don’t want to talk, that’s okay. Don’t criticise them but instead remind them that you care about them and that you are happy to talk when they are ready.
Be an active listener
Showing someone you are listening is not just about your words. It’s about being present in the moment.
Start off by putting your phone away, out of sight. That way you are not distracted by messages or notifications.
Your body language is the first thing someone sees before you speak, so try to keep it relaxed and open. Lean in when they speak, and if you can, avoid crossing your arms.
If they do open up, give them space and time to talk. Show that you have listened to them by repeating back what you’ve heard using your own words or ask them to tell you more about something they have said.
Ask them if they have felt this way before, and if so, what they have done in the past that helped them.
Finding more support
If it seems like your friend or loved on has been feeling really low for more than two weeks, talk to them about seeing a health professional.
If you are really worried about their safety, encourage them to call a counselling service. R U OK? maintains a directory of services that offer free and immediate advice, support and referrals. Visit the directory.
You can also call these services for advice and assistance on how to support a loved one going through a difficult time.
Check in
When that first conversation is over, keep checking in and let them know you’ve been thinking about them. Even a simple text message can work.
Mental health is ever-changing and checking in with your loved ones is important. Reaching out and listening, and showing that you genuinely care, can change lives.
For more information and resources on starting conversations with loved ones about their mental health visit R U OK? and Lifeline Australia.
